What’s in a name?

25 Jun

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationSo by now, everybody knows Kanye West and Kim Kardashian named their kid “North,” as in North West.

Ike2Breaking news—Kanye and Kim are still idiots!

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationAnd, as Shakespeare might have said, a West by any other name would still have two parents who are idiots. So the question is, “What’s in a name?”

Ike2If the name is “Idiot,” I’d say a lot.

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationWait. Should we be calling people we don’t even know idiots?

Ike2No, I guess not. It’s best to keep that kind of name-calling among friends.

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationAgreed. So let’s get off the Kanye and Kim thing.

Ike2Not so fast. Don’t you wonder why they chose that particular direction?

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationNot really. I’m sure there is a perfectly stupid explanation.

Ike2Hey, you said no more name-calling!

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationOkay, okay. So you’re saying, why not call the kid “South”?

Ike2Right. Isn’t South just as good as North? Are they implying one hemisphere is better than the other?

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationSo a more politically correct name would have been Equator?

Ike2Equator West? That doesn’t even make sense!

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart Illustration“Sense” being a relative term. So what would you suggest?

Ike2East West, of course. It’s all-encompassing! It’s Zen!

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationCan we please get off this now?

Ike2So, what do you want to talk about?

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationPet names.

Ike2Man, that was one long walk, just to get to pet names. I thought you were leading up to the timeless LaQuesha Bodesha debate.

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationPlease. That is an area a white guy with his white dog do not need to get into.

Ike2Two names: Shepherd Smith. Stone Phillips.

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationPoint taken. As a wise man named Bruce Willis once said, “American names don’t mean shit.” But I think the names we give our pets—or our children—even if they don’t “mean” anything, say a lot about us.

Ike2For instance…

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationFor instance, I knew a couple of people who named their dog “Shithead.”

Ike2Outrageous!

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationThey thought it was absolutely hilarious that every time they said, “Here, Shithead,” the dog would come.

Ike2Needless to say, these people were stoners.

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationNeedless to say.

StonerBob2Hey, I resent this unfounded slandering of the proud people who partake of the glorious Herb, the last remaining peoples of the Earth upon whom it is politically correctically acceptable to cast aspersions, and whose dog, G-Spot, is, in no way, shape or form, like unto the aforementioned Shithead.

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationApology accepted, Stoner Bob.

StonerBob2Well, all right then.

Ike2Anyhoo…

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationThe usual breakdown in pet names is between people-type names and non-people-type names.

Ike2You say “Scruffles,” I say “Sue.”

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationExactly. Then there are those weird, professional breeder-type names, like the ones they give show dogs. For example, some of the names of recent Best-In-Show winners at Westminster include “K-Run’s Park Me In First,” “Clussexx Three D Grinchy Glee,” “Roundtown Mercedes of Maryscot,” and “Foxcliffe Hickory Wind.”

Ike2There is nothing “professional” about a dog named “Grinchy Glee.”

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationMy basic rules for dog and cat names, which I learned from my dad, are pretty simple: one or two syllables, preferably with a strong consonant sound. Beyond that, no demeaning names, no overly cute or precious names, no hipster names, no joke names.

Ike2Don’t you have a cat named “Tab Hunter”?

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationWe call him Tab, okay?

Ike2Let’s see, would that qualify as precious, hipster, or joke?

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAWhat are you guys talking about?

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationNow look what you’ve done.

Ike2Hey, Tab—why did Schrödinger’s cat cross the road? To get to both sides! Ha!

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAStupid dog.

Ike2So how did you choose my name?

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationWell, actually, Sherry was just randomly throwing out names until “Ike” came up. But as soon as I heard it I knew that was the name for you.

Ike2Wow. That is a really touching story. So now, every time I hear “Ike,” I’ll think, “Random dog name.”

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationOkay, listen to this. When you were still a little pup, I took you to Petco to get your vaccinations. There were a whole bunch of people there with their dogs and cats, and we are all seated in folding chairs waiting our turn. They called us by our pet’s name. So, you know, we went through “Pepper,” “Tootsie,” “Skipper,” whatever. The usual dog and cat names. And then they called “Ike.” It got an immediate reaction, because it was different from all the other names, and everybody looked around to see what you looked like. And there you were, with your little white tail, and your little flop ears—“

Ike2My ears don’t flop!

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationThey did then, brother. And you marched up to the vet with such a swagger—and I swear this is true—somebody shouted, “I like Ike!” And then somebody else shouted it. And then everybody in the place was clapping and chanting, “I like Ike! I Like Ike!” Eisenhower himself never got a better reception.

Ike2Wow. I don’t even remember that.

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationLike I said, you were just a puppy. But that’s when I really knew we’d given you the right name.

Ike2That’s pretty cool. But one question. What the heck kind of name is Eisenhower?

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