Review: The Lone Ranger

10 Jul

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationWhat would you buy with $225 million?

Ike2According to the 10 Most Expensive Items Ever Listed on Ebay you could buy:

225 Ferrari Enzo supercars…

187 Honus Wagner baseball cards…

127 towns of Bridgeville, California…

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationOr, if you’re the Disney Studios, you could buy one Jerry Bruckheimer special: The Lone Ranger.

Ike2Or, you buy one Ferrari Enzo supercar, park it in your private town of Bridgeville, CA, stick 185 Honus Wagner baseball cards in the wheel spokes, drive to the nearest movie theater, and still have enough left over to buy a ticket to see The Lone Ranger.

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationPlus popcorn and Coke!

Ike2It would be pretty  much the same thing.

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationOkay, we got that off our chests. To be fair, I can say that Disney definitely got their money’s worth, in that every dollar they spent is up there on the screen.

Ike2You might wonder why it’s on the screen, but it’s there, and it looks expensive.

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationDirector Gore Verbinski gives the beloved Masked Man, Tonto, and Silver the Pirates of the Caribbean treatment,  with 149 minutes of over-the-top thrills and all-around excess, and just enough humor to save the day. The movie stars, to some controversy, Johnny Depp as Tonto, and, I have to say, his performance is part of what makes the movie enjoyable.

Ike2He’s good, but can you imagine what somebody like Wes Studi could have done with that role? BOOM!

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationThat would have been awesome! Wes Studi would be like, “Oh, you’ve got a gatling gun? Well, check out this steely-eyed-stare!” SMASH!

Ike2Wes Studi would be like, “I eat cannibals for breakfast, chump!” CHOMP!

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationWes Studi should be in more movies.

Ike2Wes Studi should be in every movie.

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationI like saying “Wes Studi.”

Ike2What were we talking about?

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationUm…

Ike2Johnny Depp.

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationOh, yeah. And that’s not to take anything away from Johnny Depp–

Ike2Heaven forbid–

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationModern audiences have seen enough actual Native Americans in major roles that we can appreciate what a credible job Depp does in making Tonto real.

Ike2And by “real,” you mean real in the context of a Johnny Depp/Gore Verbinski/Jerry Bruckheimer reimagination of of reality.

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationThe character is a bit off the wall, yes. But Depp hardly stands alone in that regard.

Ike2Right. We have Armie Hammer, in a spot-on impersonation of Judge Reinhold, in the title role…

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationAn almost unrecognizable William Fichtner, as the desperado Butch Cavendish, reimagined as Cannibal Lucky Ned Pepper…

Ike2And a special appearance in what could be a totally different movie, by Helena Bonham Carter, as the shady lady with the heart of gold and the double-barreled ivory leg.

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationAnd that’s leaving out a lot of other great character actors, whose names we are too lazy to cut and paste into this post. Everybody involved jumps into this thing with gusto; it has genuine humor and the opening set piece,at least, is a virtuoso bit of action filmmaking; but in the end, it’s all just too much.

Ike2Much as I like Helena Bonham Carter, the saloon scene and her appearance at the end could have been cut–boom, I just saved Disney 25 mil.

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationAgreed. And I get that they wanted to make this from Tonto’s perspective, but the whole framing device with old Tonto and the little boy was a drag on the story–gotta be another $5 to $10 million right there.

SherryIcon2And what about those cannibal rabbits? What was that all about?

Ike2Oh, my God!

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationWhat a ridiculous, stupid, wrong-headed, totally unfunny waste of time–which you made us go see!

SherryIcon2Get over it. You know you loved it. Did you mention the transvestite cowboy bad guys?

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationOh, yeah, they got at least one good laugh line out of that. But did anybody else notice how many bits seemed to be cribbed from Johnny Depp’s hipster western Dead Man?

Ike2Yeah, I kept expecting Iggy Pop to make an appearance.

SherryIcon2That’s it! I thought I was having some kind of butter-flavored-topping-induced flashbacks! As I recall, that was one you made me go see.

Ike2Well, the important thing is, we all learned something.

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationSherryIcon2What’s that?

Ike2When it comes to successful remakes of cherished 1950s TV shows–there is no silver bullet.

SherryIcon2 Bad dog!

Our Review:

Over-the-top, over-long.

Great cast, quirky performances.

Humor eases the pain.

Elaborately staged action.

Studi rules! (but not in this movie)

Two tail wags out of five.

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